mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
