Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
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