Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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