the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
