Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
