I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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