why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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