Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
