I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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