I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Randomize
