Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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