capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
this beer tastes like vomit already
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
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