my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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