dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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