life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
