I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
