After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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