I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Randomize
