I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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