you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
