my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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