And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize