Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I love having hate sex.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
