When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize