Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
