Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
