I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
