my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Ketchup is God's man juice
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
