yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
