I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
