I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
The struggles of a small town man whore
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize