I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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