just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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