We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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