I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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