onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
