She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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