Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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