Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
