I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
soo... how was my night?
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