I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
