Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
