The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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