So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
