Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
