Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
