Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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