I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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