In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
