I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
