I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Randomize
