You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
