If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
