you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
