At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
