I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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