Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Randomize
