Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
