a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
