Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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