I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
