i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
