Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
