dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
